A sad loss

As many of you know by now, Matt's dad passed away last weekend very unexpectedly. He dropped dead instantly of a massive heart attack. He didn't even have time to grab his cell phone which was still on his belt. I suppose if one must go then that's the way to do it....(or like my great Aunt Elsie just go to bed one night and not wake up). At least he was active to the end. He was out in the yard digging a spot under the porch where he could store his new playtoy...some sort of tractor that he could use to keep his wooded trails clear.

We got back from Michigan on Saturday but we're all still moving very slowly. Alex had another funeral to go to yesterday. His best friend's mom passed last week as well. I was going to go with him but I was not feeling well.

Sigh...I have to get ready for work now. Love to all :)

p.s. You can view his story at www.lifestorynet.com and go to Troy F. Smith, Vicksburg, Mi.

Reply to letter

Holy shit!! I just noticed that it's only been 5 DAYS since Kate went in! It feels like a month! I don't know why. I told her not to call me until she gets out and she hasn't. I guess I just feel that bad about almost hating her now but goddamitall if I wanted to take care of a crazy person I move my MOM in with me! .....and that ain't just about to happen!

Letter to one of my dearest friends about our "lost" third.

This whole thing with Kate is such a goddam nightmare! She totally does not really want to get better. She just needed me to take over where Ted gave up. I'm just not willing to do that. She's in the hospital right now; has been for about a week and a half. Tried to....let me rephrashe that...overdosed and got caught. I don't believe for one second that she really wants to die, just needs attention, more than I can, or even want, to give her. Anyway, while she was gone, this kid Chris who was supposed to be looking in on Lucky, got caught with friends in the house smoking dope. So the landlord called me and fussed me out and I had to go down and get the cat, cuss Chris out, and hope they don't kick her out. Everybody in town is calling her a lesbian crack-head because she goes around bragging that I'm her "wife" (which I just kind of laugh off and tolerate) and she's so doped up all the time (whether on actual dope or too much prescription). I'm so stupid for bringing her down here. I know, everyone tried to tell me but I always have hope for people and it's different when you talk to someone on the phone as opposed to actually seeing them in person day after day. Unfortunately, all the things she got mad at Ted and her docs and friends and social workers for fussing her out about and she denied doing (ie. being a druggie, hanging out with a bad crowd, sleeping around with the most disgusting people) I've seen her do. She brought home a guy from her last stay in the hospital whom she met in the psych ward who turned out to be homeless and a total crack-head and totally used her for a place to stay and drugs. She "claims" he stole her drugs....maybe, maybe she took them. I don't know. I don't care. I can't take anymore and it's going to really hurt my feelings to tell her all this and hurt her feelings but I have to. I tried to explain "guilt by association" to her the other day. She didn't get it. I was talking about other people talking about her (before I knew they were). Now I have to think about what other people might say about me. And not so much because I care what people think of me but we're talking about illegal sh*t!!!! I can't get my family involved in that! I have impressionable young men at home and mine will not end up like Andy! That's so unbelievably harsh but you just DON'T KNOW how MANY times I've wanted to say that to her!!!!! She's always, like, "Well, what would you do if it were your kid?" ....in such a snotty way.... and I so desperately want to say, "MY KIDS WOULDN'T DO STUFF LIKE THAT YOU DUMB SH*T!!!"

sigh.

I'm back...for the moment.

I've been gone a minute or 2. Just working like a damn dog and sleeping like the dead. It's about all I can stand to do these days.
So yesterday, my stupid girlfriend Kate, ended up in the hospital again because she o.d.'d....again. I would say she tried to kill herself but it's not really about that. She does it for attention. It's so sad. I finally had a day off and had planned to relax but I had to run out to her house and make sure her cat was fed and let her neighbor in and get a key made. sigh. stupid. I get so tired of her constant drama. And then I had to pick up Matt from work and we had to run his assistant back up to Raleigh so when we got home I passed out cold for about 3 hours. I think I must be coming down with something because I just can't seem to get enough sleep lately. I'm telling you it's all I can stand to do: work and sleep and work and sleep. It'll be okay though. I'm taking to today off and I'm staying HOME!!

My men!

Here's my big 16 year old, (with me) taken way back when he was only 15...about a month ago! I think that's a nice pic of the two of us. Here's a good one of Jason (above) holding a sword at his aunt's wedding recently. Neither child is easy to get nice pics of. Alex rarely smiles and Jason, well, I usually get a nice shot of his middle finger! sigh. Boys: can't live with 'em, can't tie 'em to a radiator!

My but their hair is dark! Once upon a time my hair was that color. Now I have to color it to have any color. Acutally, it's been so long since I let it go that I don't really know what my natural color is. Mostly white, I suspect. (It is NOT grey, by GAWD!)

Too tired...

I had some really wonderfully profound thoughts but I'm too tired to remember what they are. I'll have to get back to you. Just wanted to let you know to stay tuned!

Alex had his 16th birthday on Saturday. Which is also Matt's and my 17th anniversary of the day we met. Yeah, yeah, so we weren't actually "married" until February...you can do the math!