Excerpt from "What would Barbie look like naked?"

What would Barbie look like naked? Admit it: you've wondered, too. Everyone has fantasized about Barbie nude. If you haven't, then you're the weirdo, not the rest of us. The Pope has fantasized about fully nude Barbie. Who can help it? From fashion selection to vintage collection, she's everything! Barbie! Unfortunately, she's a toy. Do you remember the first time you discovered that none of her good parts were drawn in? It looks like she's wearing a flesh-colored bodysuit.
Hey: I pay for the full Barbie experience, I want the full Barbie experience. I made the following prank call to Mattel to get the skinny.


MATTEL: Thank you for calling Mattel. This is Leslie, how can I help you?

HARGRAVE: I have a complaint about a Barbie doll.

MATTEL: OK, I can help you with that. Can you tell me the product number you have?

HARGRAVE: It's the Happy Birthday Barbie Doll.

MATTEL: And what's the problem with the doll?

HARGRAVE: I got her home and disrobed her, only to find out her body is just smooth molded plastic.

MATTEL: [Pause] Her body is smooth molded plastic.

HARGRAVE: And I read that she was supposed to be "anatomically correct."

MATTEL: No. I'm sorry sir, we don't make anatomically correct dolls.

HARGRAVE: She looks like a hood ornament. And I was disappointed, because I don't know how young girls are supposed to learn about the female figure from this toy. Do you know what I mean, Leslie?

MATTEL: No sir. I don't have a clue. I'll be glad to pass your concerns along, though.

HARGRAVE: Are you going to send me a Barbie that is truly anatomically correct?

MATTEL: No sir. As I mentioned to you, we don't make an anatomically correct doll.

HARGRAVE: Would you consider making one in the future?

MATTEL:N o sir.

HARGRAVE: Don't you make customized Barbies?

MATTEL: No we don't, sir.

HARGRAVE: I think you do sell personalized Barbies.

MATTEL: We used to have a doll you designed yourself on the Internet, and that doll is no
longer available.

HARGRAVE: Have you ever seen a nude woman?

MATTEL: Pardon me, sir?HARGRAVE: I said, if you've ever seen a nude woman, their anatomy does not look like this! There are markings, and hair, and other discolorations!

MATTEL: [Pause] Well sir, I'll be glad to pass your comments along.

HARGRAVE: So you don't sell one with the breasts and genitals drawn in properly.

MATTEL: No sir, we do not.

HARGRAVE: Do you think one of your factory workers would be able to draw them in with a Sharpie?

MATTEL: No sir, we won't be willing to do that for you.HARGRAVE: Please?

MATTEL: No sir.

HARGRAVE: She is so pretty. She would be even prettier with all three holes. That's all I'm saying.

MATTEL: [Complete silence]HARGRAVE: Listen, Leslie. She has pretty blond hair.

MATTEL: Sir, I can't help you anymore. And I'm going to disconnect this call now.

HARGRAVE: If I were to trim just a bit of her luxuriant hair, and delicately glue it to her pubic region, would that be OK with you?

MATTEL: Sir, I'm going to disconnect this call right now. Goodbye.

Then she disconnected me. Very disappointed in Mattel. I didn't even get to the questions about Ken, and his lack of a man-dong.You know, someone should try to make a man-dong for Ken. And that someone should be me.